Somebody Somewhere Some Time

If you were alone and feeling as lonely as he might have had, wouldn’t you just walk into a bar and approach someone?
There will always be someone at the bar who is glad to have someone to drink with. Who is glad to have someone to talk to. Who might feel lonely as well. And if you didn’t know how to approach a stranger at a bar, there’s always the bartender who’s willing to give you some attention – at least when you order your drink.You could talk to anybody if that’s what you want. Somebody is always somewhere some time.

But when you’re driven not by a gnawing sense of lack, but by an overflowing exuberance that you need to share in order not to spill, when you’re not desperate to be alone, but in moments desperate enough to be thrown back on your own resources, when you’re not trying for anyone, but for someone, someone who crosses boundaries in an effort to bridge the division, and when you’re not looking for some kind of conversation, but but for a rapport based on mutual recognition of the unspeakable, you might walk around the neighborhood hoping to find someone to talk to, and just end up coming home.

The other day my mother said, “What’s the name of that guy whose house we visited in Florida?”
I had no idea who she was referring to.
“Someone who was killed?” I asked, thinking of Gianni Versace. But I couldn’t remember that we had visited his house.
“No,” my mother said, “someone who committed suicide.”
I went through my memories.
“The house had dark wood panels and a courtyard with a garden,” she recalled. No memories came up.
“Hemingway,” she fired from the other end of the line. “Don’t get depressed like him,” she said.
“I won’t,” I assured her. Almost like an oath.

If depression helped anyone at some point, that might be an option I would consider. But it has served no one in the past, it serves no one in the present, and it will serve no one in the future. On the contrary, depression demands care, and not just from the person suffering from it, but unfortunately from everyone else around that person. This is the opposite of what I intend.
I am fortunate. I have no choice but to stay sane.