All my Ego monkeys - A play

The cast
(in order of appearance)
MRS. MONKEY – MONKEY COWARD
MR. MONKEY – MONKEY BOURGEOIS
TV PREACHER – MONKEY SMARTASS
MINI, youngest daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Monkey – MONKEY PERFECTIONIST
THE NANNY – MONKEY SPINSTER
MAXI, eldest daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Monkey – MONKEY DIVA
THE HOUSEKEEPER – MONKEY MOTHER

 

Quoted dialogue lines from the films:
American Beauty
Wall Street
The name of the rose
The breakfast club
Heidi
A streetcar named desire
The remains of the day

 

Interior. The chamber.

INTER-TITLE
There is a chamber in my being, which serves as residence for some ego monkeys…

Fade in.
We see a sparsely furnitured room. There is a sofa, two chairs, a small table. A naked light bulb hangs down from the ceiling.
The floor and the walls are dark reflecting a little amount of light and contrast.

The TV PREACHER is in the room. He is dressed in clerical clothing of muted colours, wears a monkey mask made of paper maché offering no openings for eyes, nose and mouth. Later we will see that all other residents are also dressed in muted colours and wear similar monkey masks.

The TV PREACHER sits on the small table. He holds up a cardboard in front of his torso looking through a widely cut out rectangle. We understand that the cardboard with painted on buttons stands for a TV screen. The TV is turned on.

 

TV PREACHER
Bla bla bla
bla bla bla
(The TV preacher goes on with “bla bla bla“ if not explicitly stated otherwise)

 

MR. MONKEY enters. MRS. MONKEY enters right after. The atmosphere is immediately loaded. MR. MONKEY goes over to the TV, positioning himself in front of it. MRS. MONKEY follows him.

 

MRS. MONKEY
You were masturbating!

MR. MONKEY
Well, …. it’s not always the most popular person who gets the job done.
If you’re not inside, you’re *outside*!

MRS. MONKEY
Oh, I see. You think you’re the only one who’s sexually frustrated here?

 

MINI enters.

 

MR. MONKEY (to MRS. MONKEY)
Well you take it, right in the ass.

 

MINI is somewhat embarrassed, but nevertheless starts to do some ballet dance moves.

 

MINI
… I’m a princess…

 

MRS. MONKEY watches her, while MR. MONKEY has no keen interest in MINI’s performance. Instead, he sits down on the sofa and looks over to the TV PREACHER.

 

TV PREACHER
Laughter is a devilish wind which deforms the lineaments of the face and makes men look like monkeys.

MR. MONKEY (to himself)
Jesus, if this guy owned a funeral parlor nobody would die!

 

MINI is through with her performance. She bows. MRS. MONKEY applauds.

 

MRS. MONKEY
Honey, I’m so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn’t screw up once!

MINI (to MRS. MONKEY)
Can I eat?

MRS. MONKEY
Of course!

 

MINI leaves. MRS. MONKEY walks over to the sofa.

MRS. MONKEY
How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. What the hell do you think you’re doing?

MR. MONKEY
If you need a friend, get a dog.

 

MRS. MONKEY
Don’t you mess with me, mister, or I’ll divorce you so fast it’ll make your head spin!

MR. MONKEY
Did you think you could’ve gotten this far this fast with anyone else, huh?

MRS. MONKEY
Let’s bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets.

 

MR. MONKEY is unnerved and turns around to the TV preacher.

TV PREACHER
No, to be sure, laughter will remain the common man’s recreation. But what will happen if learned men were to pronounce it admissable to

TV PREACHER (continued)
laugh at everything? Can we laugh at God? The world would relapse into chaos!

MR. MONKEY
We are smart enough not to buy in to the oldest myth running; love. Diction created by people to keep them from jumping out of windows.

 

MR. MONKEY puts his legs and shoes up and lays down on the sofa.

 

MR. MONKEY (continued)
What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.

MRS. MONKEY
Excuse me! This is a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. It is not just a couch!

 

The TV PREACHER finishes his sermon.

TV PREACHER
Laughter kills fear, and without fear there can be no faith, because without fear of the Devil there is no more need of God.

 

Fade out.

 

 

Interior. The chamber.

Fade in. We see the same room.
MINI and her NANNY sit on the sofa. The TV is turned off. The TV preacher dozes off.

 

MINI
I don’t think either one of them gives a shit about me. It’s like they use me just to get back at each other.

NANNY
But you have me. Don’t I give you my entire time and devotion?

MINI
Because you’re letting me.

NANNY (reading from a book)
The quality of a young lady’s breeding is indicated by her deportment when elders are present. At such time, her manners should be sedate.

 

MINI yawns.

NANNY
Did I actually see you yawn? I’m horrified!

 

MINI
I didn’t do anything.

NANNY
I am trying to be patient. But it is the height of impropreity to yawn. A yawn at any time is a sign of disrespect and lack of control.

 

MINI
No, I never did it.

NANNY
Are you being impudent?

MINI
Why don’t you just forget it.

NANNY
You dare to speak to me like that? Such behavior is inexcusable!

MINI
I didn’t mean it that way. I didn’t mean it that way. I didn’t mean it that way.

NANNY
Come on! Don’t be hysterical!

MINI
Do you know how popular I am? I am so popular. Everybody loves me so much at school…

NANNY
All right, dear, don’t excite yourself.

 

MAXI enters.

 

MAXI
Please don’t get up.

 

MAXI crosses the room in a theatric manner.

 

MINI
Very nice.

NANNY (to herself)
Oh, this is ridiculous.

NANNY (continued)
Come along. You shall spend the rest of the day in your room.

 

The NANNY and MINI get up. They leave the room.

 

MAXI (to MINI and the NANNY)
I don’t want realism. I want magic! Yes, yes, magic.

 

The HOUSEKEEPER enters.

 

MAXI
Look who’s here. My Rosenkavalier!

HOUSEKEEPER
Good afternoon, Miss.

 

THE HOUSEKEEPER turns on the light.

 

MAXI
Oh no, no, no. I won’t be looked at in this merciless glare.

 

The HOUSEKEEPER turns off the light.

 

HOUSEKEEPER
I am surprised that you have nothing better to do than stand around all day…

 

The HOUSEKEEPER starts dusting the furnitures.

MAXI walks over to him and swirls around him not respecting the distance.

 

MAXI
Young, young man. Did anyone ever tell you you look like a young prince out of the ‘Arabian Nights’?

 

Puzzled, the HOUSEKEEPER continues dusting.

 

HOUSEKEEPER
It is not my place to be curious about such matters.

MAXI
I know I fib a good deal. After all, a woman’s charm is 50% illusion, isn’t it?

HOUSEKEEPER
Miss, I’m very busy. To listen to your conversation would distract me from my work.

MAXI
My…

 

A loud signal tone goes off.

MAXI
That’s for me, I’m sure.

 

Alarmed by the signal tone, all residents, one after the other, gather in the room.

 

FEMALE VOICE (audio)
Attention please. Attention please. The signal tone indicates a report of an emergency. Proceed calmly to the nearest exit and leave the domicile immediately. Do not use the elevators. Use stairwells where necessary. All handicapped occupants shall use the domicile evacuation plan.

 

The residents are horrified. In panic they leave the room.

 

As soon as they’re gone, a person in work suit peeks into the chamber. He calls his people, also in working suits, to enter the chamber. Whisteling a joyful tune they start to remove the furnitures out of the chamber.

Image above: by Graham Crumb, imagicity.com