Martha Stewart, Drew Barrymore, and the Fear of Intimacy No One Talks About

Martha Stewart and Drew Barrymore inadvertently reveal two expressions or the flip sides – avoidance and clinging – of the same wound: Fear of emotional intimacy. Both are defenses against the same underlying fear: being truly seen and known, with all the risks that come with that.

 

The more obvious form is

1. Keeping People at a Distance (Avoidance)

You might:

  • Shut down or detach when someone gets too close
  • Keep relationships surface-level, never diving deep
  • Distract yourself with work, hobbies, or endless socializing that doesn’t require vulnerability
  • Choose unavailable people or relationships that can’t go anywhere
  • End things the moment someone starts wanting more
At the core, there’s often a fear that if people see the real you, they will reject you, hurt you, or leave. So what’s the safest? Never let them in at all.

This one is trickier because it looks like the opposite

2. Holding On Too Tightly (Clinging)

You might:

  • Get overly attached too quickly.
  • Seek constant reassurance that someone won’t leave.
  • Emotionally flood others, overwhelming them.
  • Struggle with boundaries, feeling like you need to be “one” with the other person.
  • Panic at any sign of distance or independence.

Deep down, the clinging isn’t real intimacy – it’s a survival response. 

Paradoxically, you do exactly the ‘right’ thing to push people away – only to reinforce the very fear of abandonment that drives it.

What’s Beneath Both?

Both strategies are about control. Avoidance controls through distance. Clinging controls through closeness. 

Real intimacy isn’t about disappearing into someone or keeping them at arm’s length. It’s about standing as yourself, letting yourself be seen, and allowing the other person to be themselves too. It’s messy, uncertain, and risky. But it’s also the only way to actually connect.

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Drew Berrymore Fear of Intimacy Martha Stewart Real Intimacy self-sabotage True Intimacy